Let me, Lord.

Lately, I have found time abounding and fleeting, all in the same stroke. Traveling mid-month has felt like being brought upside down with all of my heart's contents being spilled out onto the ground. Traveling does something to me to get me to be really honest with myself.

This is what I am coming up with:

I want to live unconventionally. I want to find the benefit in paying attention. When I say benefit, I mean the great happiness and exhilaration in being open to God's beautiful world and what He does through and in it. 

I believe what Isaiah prophesied from the Lord when he writes-- "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands." And when I think of the very hands of God, I have been forever engrained with the image of the 'whole world in his hands' by the childhood nursery rhyme. But I like to see these two blending and burning into my mind and way of life. The Lord has put me here on earth for a particular purpose of His own. How can I not believe the world he created is far beyond my scope of imagination? How can I not full-heartedly leap out and leave behind? My brimful heart is in awe of how God's engraved hands are a map. An atlas. I see pages after pages being cut into by the Father-- a way of permanence in His Kingdom and plan for the world. How can those I love and myself not venture out of our own worlds and created spaces for God's own measured map?

Anne Lamott phrases it aptly: "This is our goal as writers, I think; to help others have this sense of--please forgive me--wonder, of seeing things anew, things that can catch us off guard, that break in on our small, bordered worlds." 

Let me, Lord Jesus. 
Whatever that may be--let me. 

Psalm 106

How I have shaken my fist, how I have grumbled, doubted, made idols and forgotten what you have done.

Thank you that I may lay myself at your feet, that your son's blood washes me white, and that He  himself reaches out His hand and says, "your sins are no more."

I am in the desert.  And though I do not know what God has for me, He promises to work out all things  for the good of those who love Him Romans 8:28.  My choice is to believe or to doubt.

Praise the Lord that He has brought me to this place.  For it is here, that the Lord himself revealed His might to His people.  It is here, that His provision protected their livelihood. It is here, that He showed them how He wanted them to live and it is here, in the nothingness, that He displayed His love and faithfulness towards them.

The promised land was already given, but in His timing it's unwrapping would come.

Lord, I confess my focus on the healing of us.  Whether it is to come or not, the beauty of your presence, sustenance and love could be lost by my grumbling, fear, doubt and forgetfulness. Whoever watched the wind will not plant; whoever looks at the clouds will not reap.  Ecclesiastes 11:4 

So may this be an alter of remembrance and praise.  Thank you, that you allowed me to be welcome at RH Orange and at CFT.  Thank you, that you have begun to restore my family, my relationship with my father and mother.  Thank you, that a number of girls at CFT have inquired about you because of the witness you have allowed me to be through this.  Thank you, that you put me on the heart of a missionary friend across the world, at the very time of our split, and that she reached out within the minute of me calling out to you in desperation.  Thank you, that you have filled me with your Holy Spirit, my mouth with praise and laughter and with moments of complete joy and trust.  Thank you, that you are showing me your abundant love for me, through; emotional healing, new friendships, roommates, worship, crossfit and with continued prayer from others.  Thank you, that I can have hope for us- but that it's outcome is in your hands, and it is good.

So as I wait, in the desert, for the fulfillment of your promises, David's hope in your faithfulness shall be mine, and I shall choose to learn of who you are and begin to live like a child who knows the father is for her!

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you Psalm 32:8 and Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.  Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life Psalm 143:8.

By the Roots.

Time does a wonder on a woman. 

Eradicate: [adjective] (of a tree or plant) depicted with the roots exposed. ORIGIN late Middle English (in the sense 'pull up by the roots'): from Latin eradicat- 'torn up by the roots.' 

This image does a work for me. Honestly, I see myself in this position without my securities from this past commitment to a relationship. 

Post-Jonathan lifestyle has been like a funny shuffling around myself. 
I keep coming back to this tree of me to visit the memories--my hands are grasping for a way to climb up her, my hands are searching as far they can reach around her while looking for low branches. 

Someone's watching me from another hilltop as my small hands struggle and silently mime their way across the face of this tall standing tree. 

It's as if I'm standing blind. I try looking away from this tree of me for a while, but my neck is liable to turn back and run to the closeness of comforts. 
Somewhere in the midst of my thoughts, long-gone and miles away, I find myself turning my head once more--to turn away or towards is to be determined-- and instead I find the warm earth beneath my cheek. It's as if my world has been flipped on it's own side.
I feel as if my eyes are startled open by the fact that I have been lying on my side in the soft grass this entire time. I am looking up from a dream of deja vu and really see this tree of me. 
The limbs I tried to climb and the memories I searched for, seemingly endlessly, from this beautifully fallen oak are horizontal to the ground. 
The earth I thought I stood on, the earth I thought I was jumping from to reach my own branches, became the earth that I lay still and fetal with fits of waving arms, beating arms, grasping arms. Apparently my elbows have been digging divots in the dirt around me without my notice. 
How irreverent of them. 

I don't need to mention the fact that the biggest burden to bear of this tree of me was the sight of the vast, giant and glorious hidden limbs. It is such a strange sight to see yourself in this way. What was beneath the surface had become the most sensational and engulfing presence. What was hidden had come to light. Their expanse was remarkable on that new end, while the branches I had come to know so well, the ones I climbed over and over and over, the ones I hid beneath in it's canopy of memories and routine, had become swallowed by the newfound glory of revelation. This tree of me was drastically eradicated (eradicated as in the verb, destroyed completely; put an end to). 
Now I see what I always knew was created as a bedrock within me. 

 Today marks the 32nd day of this sprint of intentionality with the self. I feel today like I have been lifted out from the ground by the roots and shaken. Not shaken for an infraction of sorts but to be loosened, to be set right-side-up. 

Solitude

I'm finding each day with gaping pockets and places where Jonathan--my projected other half--once filled my thoughts, actions, motives, and dreams. Now, I'm finding these empty places in spaces of solitude. I'm finding my mind wandering to Jonathan in my day-to-day errands, in my task-taking trips, and in moments of just plain old missing due to the lack of him being beside me. But when I sit intentionally, in solitude, a change has stirred deep within me.
My dependency on Jesus has become my sight of vision. I've sought Jesus in these moments and the clarity of it all has been deeply wrought in my heart. 

Similarly, I find myself seeking this solitude. I feel so starkly introverted for these quiet moments with my Jesus. I also feel so bare in these moments; I am so apt to cry. Not crying out of sadness or utter joy, but out of a sole closeness. I don't know how else to describe it.

I am newly transfixed, I guess you could say. I am held and my gaze is held. I can't say again, or back in the arms of Jesus, because this sense is so fresh to my senses--like I've never known it before. I am reminded of how it feels to look at the sun, blinding and bright, a distance a human can never overcome. And then there is that quintessential Christian quote by C.S. Lewis: "I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not because I see it, but because by it I see everything." This quote is not only brilliant to me, but gives me an incredible visual. I know that Jesus Christ is savior, like high noon and the all-enncompassing sunshine giving shapes their contours and life to the wild, but in this as I worship, I so desire to see the Lord's face fully. Jesus isn't out of reach in this line of vision.
I want to stand face-to-face with this perfect Sunshine and reach out and touch it, the heart of my heart. I am struck anew by the awe of our God. 

Good morning

This morning, while reading over Galatians 1, I was met in a big way. While puttering around making breakfast and second breakfast, coffee brewing and journal open, I talked to Jesus. I told him how I love him and I thanked him for meeting me on this beautiful, quiet California morning. Paul wrote the first 10 verses of chapter 1 to the churches of Galatia about there being no other gospel but Christ's. I read this seeing Paul with his hands up in the air and confused by the faulty actions of humans in the presence of God's great grace and love. I feel like the Spirit is asking me this question: what other truths or words of some-other-gospel am I living? 

Where is my heart behind every action?

I can see the disconnect, Lord. I can see where my selfishness creeps in daily, I can see where my insecurities creep in daily, I can see where I let so many other words or truths dictate how I think and act.
Lord, uncover my heart. I so desire to be grounded fully in You. I want to walk so closely to you Jesus that what I hear, smell, taste, touch is all of your goodness, love and mercy.

"Let the the morning bring word of your
unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul."
Ps 143:8

Freed

Bob Goff's facebook status today reads "figure out today what you are most afraid of, then ask God to give you courage to decide you're not anymore."

This Wednesday, Lord, I am asking you to take away my fear of loneliness.

Lord, let me set a apart from this fear--let it be crucified in my life--let me live in the fullest way You intended. Let me give freely. Let me lay down my life daily, Lord Jesus, to live fully abiding in seeking to help the least of these. Take away any unneeded fear or doubt. Let me life and learn to love fully.
I'm in awe of what you did on that cross, oh my Jesus! I know that the gospel of Jesus that I follow and chase after sets me free of fear. That's what's good.

In terms of a lifelong spouse, my life's advocate, my other half of life's wild caper:
God, I trust in you. I ask that you will choose my husband for me. I just pray that I would know it when you do.

This season which started as painful grievance of a future lost has been redeemed by the hand of God to a season of newfound freedoms in dependance on Him. Lord, thank you for continuing to teach me. I'm all in to know your ways, I'm all in to know your teachings, I'm all in.
I set my heart and mind on things above.

"It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken." With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore, we do not lose hear. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." -2 Corinthians 4:13-18 Amen. 

In a moment of clarity see us straining to love one another with all we have.  But we are two images unaware of our porousness, our need and lack.  As love grew more difficult we proceeded to look within, imagining WE had the power to love one another through our fears, our hurts and needed healings.  So we strained and stressed, eyes focused on the goal.  Committed to being better, becoming more, loving more.  Trying to build a foundation of love upon our selves, two greatly porous people.    But our fixation kept us from seeing our greatest need.  HIM.

Our commitment to being all that the other person needed exposed an error in our beliefs.  For we can do nothing outside of Christ, but with Him we can do ALL things.   It exposed our beliefs that we thought we could actually be everything, that we could actually make ourselves better, and that we could actually heal the other persons hurts on our own.  These misaligned beliefs, fears and even the need to make it, kept us from the position of humility.  Oh but the graciousness of the Lord.  He sent Paul, His servant to speak on this, reminding us of His power, faithfulness and reason for joy.  Paul reminded us that he will "boast all the more gladly about his weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Cor. 12:9 and that "we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5 Our very porousness is not something to be filled with shame over, but to praise God for.  For he has always loved us as broken people and continues to.  We are to look to Him to be the foundation and source in all things as we did on the first day we welcomed Him in.  To adopt a belief that we no longer need to be dependent upon Him is contrary to everything we believe but find ourselves doing with ease.  It is our very need as heirs to continuously be filled with His identity, which Jesus died in order to share with us, and to humbly accept His grace of abundant provision.


So I will praise God for my weaknesses. For it is only through Him that our porous selves become filled. Each day, being shaped in the image of Christ, each day being thankful for how he made us so His glory can be revealed. So I will praise Him; for my fears, my insecurities, that I processes things slowly, am deeply emotional and am hurting from this hopefully temporary loss. I praise God for my love's confusion, fears, impatience, wrestling and withdrawal. And I pray that, "Christ may dwell in our hearts through faith—that we, being rooted and grounded in love may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ 
that surpasses knowledge, that we may be filled with all the fullness of God." Eph. 3:17-19  And I will thank Him that we are not yet healed and praise Him that we are separated.  For "we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28